The Lost Shipment
by MakaioRed
Summary: Pintel and Ragetti find themselves washed ashore on a beach of South Africa and begin a journey through Africa to find their way back home. Crack-fic and completely historically inaccurate.
1. Out of the Fire

Life's greatest adventures involve getting wet and plenty of bravery in trying times. Life can also be cruel, it can throw some ghastly items in your path, but luckily life has a twisted sense of humour, and blesses you with a partner to fight the ghastliness with.

Now I say partner in the general sense, completely shy of any sort of shipping except for friendship (-ping). Particularly I speak of the friendship held by the inseparable Ragetti and Pintel. They were not ones for serving 'under' Barbossa after he nicked the Black Pearl from Jack… I mean, Captain Jack Sparrow.

While they were away from the Pearl, their stomachs made noises and their tongues only ever manoeuvred correctly when rum mixed with their saliva. It could be said that Ragetti and his uncle nearly gave up a life of piracy from the lack of employment, replacing it with boredom. When they left they intended to find other work but the business of piracy wasn't doing too well; it was going through a recession. Ships were hard to come by because so many had been destroyed during battles against the East India Trading Company. Pirates aren't thieves, at least, they aren't thieves on land, and as such Pintel and Ragetti had to work for their suppers when their feet were dry and unsalted.

The two pirates also had great difficulty legitimately finding non-maritime work, being the uneducated grunts they were. Though the Caribbean was a land, or a set of islands really, of great opportunity. Eventually they found maritime work. It wasn't anything of the swashbuckling sort; it was aboard an exploration vessel: the USS Enterprise.

The ship's voyage took them away from the confines of the Caribbean, and they saw the best and worst side of the world in places like China, India and then eventually, much further down the map, Madagascar. It had taken a long time for them to make it that far, and in that time they grew content with life again. They caught fish constantly for themselves so their bellies never grovelled. Rum wasn't plentiful because it was rationed heavily by Captain Picard, but at least they got enough drops of it to stay unmutinous.

Pintel had also managed to ditch the nasty eye patch he had been wearing when he 'borrowed' an eight ball from a miniature billiard set on the ship. It worked pretty well as a fake eye; it never popped out even in the bumpiest of situations. And the ship was quite bumpy, some of the men liked to 'rock the boat' quite a bit; at night the growls of a Wookie always kept Pintel awake.

Not everything could stay dandy forever, plain sailing could only last so long. On a warm evening off the east coast of South Africa, the USS Enterprise sailed a bit too close to the shores of the British Durban colony.

On the ship Pintel had moaned to Ragetti about the slowness of the day's voyage for perhaps the hundredth time that evening. "Can't it go any faster? When we finish our tour for the day we can get back to land and get some rum."

"Can you stop complaining? I thought you loved being out at sea," replied Ragetti.

"Yeah, as a pirate," Pintel agreed, "but being an explorer is quite boring."

"You two, quite jabbering and get to work," screamed Captain Luc-Jean Picard. "Those sails aren't going to open themselves."

"Yes sir," the two of them shouted, acknowledging the command. They swung their bodies in the direction of the sails when Ragetti noticed something on the horizon.

"Oi," he exclaimed loudly, getting the crew's attention, "there's a ship on our starboard side, several hundred metres away."

"Take the telescope and have a look at the flag then the name, Ragetti!" Captain Picard ordered.

"Aye, aye, captain." Ragetti took the telescope and looked at the ship.

"Strange," he said, "very strange."

"What?" Pintel asked.

Ragetti made sure he wasn't looking at the ship with his false eye. "There's no name on the ship at all, it looks like it was scraped off."

Pintel nodded and said, "Alright."

"And... the flag, it says Pick n Pay," Ragetti said with surprise. "Hey, hang on a minute, it says Pick n Pay, and there's no name, do you know what that means?"

"What?"

"It's a no name brand ship."

Pintel suddenly realised the meaning of Ragetti's words and burst out laughing. "Hey, boys," he cried, "the ship's a no name brand ship."

The entire crew started laughing with a newly found vigour. All of a sudden a voice spoke out of nowhere, "You shouldn't laugh at people... or things... you may just hurt their feelings."

Only Ragetti had the sense to ask, "Who said that?" because the rest of the crew carried on laughing.

All of a sudden the voice screamed, "I warned you!" and the great Enterprise was hit with cannon fire expelled from the foreign ship. The small galley was torn apart in less time than it takes to get to the moon, which was fast for those days.

"All hands abandon ship," the captain screamed, while everyone jumped off of the now sinking ship.

Pintel and Ragetti jumped out of the collapsing ship with moments to spare and landed in the water safely. Then they noticed a man screaming several metres away from them.

"Help! HELP! I can't swim," said the man, of whom the two pirates hadn't noticed on the ship before, until now.

"Is that who I think it is? We gotta' help him," Pintel said. "Jack! Captain Sparrow we're coming!"

"I'm not named after a bird!" the man shouted while water flew into his mouth. "I'm Todd. Sweeney Todd. I think you two should stay right there!"

"Alright, whatever you say," said Ragetti while showing Todd the finger.

"I hope something falls on you!" screamed Todd, while falling even deeper into the water.

Todd was pulled up just in time by Yugi Mutou, "I've got you Mr Bakura."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch on water, true to fictional fashion, after Todd cursed them, several barrels of vinegar fell out of the wrecked hull and knocked Pintel and his nephew out .

Consciousness would have been welcomed much more from the former pirates had it arrived when they were in the company of fine women and rum. However it did not and the only thanks the spirits would get for waking them were several groans of ache and iodine poisoning.

"Pintel…" Ragetti gasped. "You… tell… me… okay?"

"Yeh, I'm good, you?" his uncle replied.

"No, I… meant my eye… is it still there."

Pintel laughed out loud, staring at the 'holey' face in front of him. "Your left eye."

"Screw you!" Ragetti said, standing up and dusting himself off and putting his eye patch back on.

Pintel laughed out loud again. Then he stood up. "Any idea where we are?"

"Look at that sign."

"I still can't read," explained Pintel.

Neither of them had the English literacy skills required to interpret the sign. Though I sure did, otherwise this modern South African education would be up to kak. The sign read, "Welcome to South Beach, Durban; where the diarrhoea is sandy and the British rule."

The thinner of the two men marvelled at the palm trees swaying left and right with the wind. "Do think we've made it to paradise?"

"Probably not," said a cynical uncle.

"Why?"

"You're barefoot and standing on a condom."

"Ugh! Yuck." Ragetti shouted. "Wait a minute; condoms haven't been invented yet."

"Look carefully," Pintel said pointing at the condom. "It's knitted."

"Oh, that makes sense… I think."

All of a sudden another voice joined the conversational fray. "You two! Halt, by order of the British Empire I hereby arrest you for trespassing on royal property," said a man wearing a bright red British uniform and holding a musket to the two pirates.

Ragetti looked at his uncle, pondering his next move. "Pintel, can you run?" he asked.

"No, not really, you?"

"Hell yeah," Ragetti shouted; dashing off, "see ya later."

A fourth voice sprang up from behind the British musketeer. "Set that musket to stun, shoot that fellow now!"

"Alrighty then!" the man shouted.

The musket made a bang that would have made the Big Bang cower in fear, and a beam of energy (that simply wasn't around in those days) hit Ragetti. The thin man fell into wet sand headfirst.

"Gotcha!" the British soldier shouted.

"Nice shot mate," said the second soldier. "Shoot the other one. "

A second Star Trek-esque beam left the musket and knocked Pintel out colder than a ball of fire inside of a refrigerator. Wait, what? No, a testicle of fire inside an igloo. You get the drift.

"Got 'em," the soldier said, while holstering his musket into his trousers as if he were in the ghetto or a video game (or both).

"Let's tie them up," said the other soldier who pulled rope out of his jacket.

Ragetti and Pintel were tied up and carried away by the two British soldiers. Could their adventures be over? Obviously not, just keep reading. But for now they're gagged and lying in a holding cell of rickety proportions. They weren't chained because they weren't considered a threat to any man or beast.

The two pirates awoke for the second time that day with splitting headaches and a horrible case of the sniffles. Eventually they were escorted out of their wooden holding cell and to another cell inside a wooden prison complex. They were not charged, as it sometimes is with South African law enforcement. With a big clang of the wooden gate of their cell (wooden gates clang?), the two pirates surveyed their surroundings.

It was dark and cold. From another cell a man spoke, "You two, I'd be weary of the showers."

"Why?" Pintel asked.

"If you drop the soap you'll lose your bumginity," the man replied chuckling.

Pintel's face turned white. "Ragetti, we haven't had a shower in years, eh? I think we can wait a few more."

"Forget the showers." Ragetti said. "How are we going to get out of here?"

Pintel scratched his head from confusion. This really was a rock hard question for him to answer. "Hmm, that's a tough one. Can I phone a friend?"

"What? No! Phones don't exist yet."

"Fifty/fifty?" Pintel asked.

"No, are you playing games with me? Tell me if you're going crazy, at least I'll know."

"How about we ask the audience?"

"C'mon be serious… hey wait a minute…" Ragetti said. "Hey guys, how does one get out of this prison?" he shouted out to the other cells.

The reply from nearly every cell was simple enough. "Pay the guard!"

"With what? We don't have money!"

"They take credit cards and bumginity, but they don't do receipts!"

Ragetti's face also turned white like his uncle's. "Any other way?" he asked shouting.

"There's a tunnel in every cell," the other inmates shouted, almost as if they'd rehearsed the scene together before. "It's used as a fire escape."

"What really? Where?"

"Behind the bed!" one of the inmates shouted from a neighbouring cell.

Both Pintel and Ragetti pushed the bed out of the way revealing a big tunnel that even Dig Dug couldn't handle.

"Thanks guys," Pintel shouted. "Why don't you guys leave too?"

"It's better in here then out there," everyone shouted in fear.

"Oka.. wow."

The two pirates crawled through the tunnel… and crawled… and crouched… and clambered… and slithered… for who knows how long. The situation was not helped when both of them passed wind at times and blamed it on the other. Eventually the light at the end of the tunnel was reached and they climbed out of the tunnel. They had just come out of a small hill, and they walked to a large group of trees right in front of them.

"We're finally out," said Ragetti. "I wonder where we are."

"There's a sign."

"If only we could read."

Again, they couldn't but I could. The sign said, "Welcome to Zimbabwe, the place where everyone's a billionaire." They had escaped one bad country, just to arrive in one even worse. Will they survive? Will anyone remember their names? Will they make it back to the sea? Find out next time on another episode of Dragon Ball Z. I mean The Lost Shipment.


	2. Into the Frying Pan

"Are you ready kids?" a pirate sounding swashbuckler asked.

"Aye, aye, captain!" several children shouted in response.

"I can't hear you!"

"AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!" the kids screamed intensely.

"Ohhhh," the pirate looking fellow began. "Who lived in a prison higher than the the sea?" the pirate sang.

"Pintel and Ragetti!"

"Scared of dropping the soap are they?"

"Pintel and Ragetti!"

"If absolute nonsense is something you wish!"

"Pintel and Ragetti!"

"Then drop on the deck and get them moves like Jagger!"

Without another word, the kids and the pirate-looking man got on the (imaginary) deck and started doing things that their mama's and papa's wouldn't be proud of. Then there was darkness.

Last time, in chapter one of this incredibly insane story, our anti-heroes, Pintel and Ragetti were imprisoned by the British Empire in Durban and they escaped and made there way (somehow) to the land of Great Zimbabwe. The two pirates thought they had seen it all, but little did they know that they would see more further still, also, all the while, not appearing in the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

With dreary eyes and torn garments they trudged through muddy paths in a lush forest, untouched (in private places) by the industrialisation that claimed the world in the near future. As they passed through some thick shrubbery, they spotted something, or rather, someone in the distance with a little too much to share.

Pintel's eyes popped out and sirens went off in his second brain. "Look, it's a native woman," Pintel shouted with glee.

Ragetti's mouth toiled with the words instead of releasing them. "And she's..." Ragetti he eventually started.

"Stark naked," Pintel concluded.

The woman hopped up and down, her exposed mammary glands doing a dance, and she screamed some nonsensical nonsense in some ludicrous native tongue.

"What is she saying?" Pintel asked eagerly. "Ragetti do your thing where you translate the words."

"Alright," Ragetti agreed, closing his eyes and placing his hands where they don't belong: on his head. "Google translate, hear this lady's words, and translate them to British English because American is incomprehensible to us."

The sound of a dial-up modem connecting to the great beyond came from Ragetti's head and within a few moments Ragetti said, "This woman said, it is the time of year when my breasts are ripe and as milky as ever."

"Really?" Pintel asked, dashing off after the woman. "Last one there gets a rotten egg cell."

Ragetti was fighting his better senses and he chased after Pintel. He then thought about how 'too good to be true' a naked woman in a forest was and he grabbed Pintel with his arm mid-run and said. "Hey wait, it could be a…"

The two Pirates slowed down, but it was too late. From the ground, a large net sprang up and the two pirates were caught dead in the middle of it. "I was gonna say it's a trap," Ragetti said.

"Shut up Bob!"

Another native appeared, this time a man muttering some really sinister sounding nonsense. His face was full of anger, but the spit coming out of his blabbering face left something to be desired.

Swinging inside the net he was trapped in, Pintel said, "What's he saying Ragetti? Do that Google thing again!"

"Google translate," Ragetti whispered, "heed this man's voice and give us British English."

Again a noise came from Ragetti's head, but this time it was the sound of static followed by a voice. "You have insufficient credits available, please load airtime."

"Dammit!" Ragetti shouted in a whisper (how does one even do that?). "I forgot that international roaming costs a fortune."

Another native appeared. He was wielding a large stick. No! Not that kind of stick you perverts, but the other kind. He raised his weapon and hit both trapped pirates on their heads, knocking them out.

Caught again the pirates were. One (or two) with the Force they were not. Yet again they awoke, in a foreign land as prisoners they were.

When the pirates finally came to, they realised they were tied up in front of a camp fire in a small village of thatch houses. There were million dollar notes on the ground in every conceivable direction. On each, was a picture of a baboon, to mimic the land's leader.

The very same baboon rose up onto a rock and made a gigantic growl. People from all around the village came to the camp fire and sat down to hear what the leader had to say.

The baboon's translator, hired (though some say kidnapped) from a local tribe from the south, appeared before the crowd. His name was Mr Bones.

The baboon roared but Mr Bones would not translate any of the primate's words (emphasis on mate, mate). The baboon roared a second time again. Mr Bones shook his head and then said, "Google Translate, turn this monkey into a man, I can't stand to be in the same bedroom another night with him any longer."

"Hey, you hear that?" Ragetti asked in a whisper.

"No, I don't hear nothing," Pintel told his comrade. "What?"

"Exactly that, nothing," Ragetti explained. "This guy must have 3G instead of dial-up."

After Pintel finished speaking, a massive cloud appeared covering the baboon, and he disappeared from view.

Smoke filled the air, obstructing everyone's view and their lungs. Those who were not asphyxiated were shouting and screaming at Mr Bones, demanding the location of their leader.

Their demands were met when the cloud finally vanished and a large purple paedophile stood in everyone's midst.

His name was Barney.

The crowd looked at this stunned, this 'thing' was singing to them. Then Pintel noticed something around the dinosaurs waste: TNT.

Barney mouth was delivering chords with his mouth (don't ask me how he did it). "I love you, you love me, we're a happy... silence I kill you!"

Two seconds later after that deafening scream, the purple  
'pedosaur' blew up, marking the end of this insane crack fic. Or is it the end?

The two pirates ,who were not in the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean film, flew out of the village and across the land, given the power of flight (or rather power of 'falling to your doom') from the explosion. They landed straight into the ocean. By some amazing feat they were still alive.

Gasping the two pirates managed to keep themselves afloat in the water. "I've got all this ringing in my ears," Pintel said in a daze.

"And none on my fingers," Ragetti added, inciting the wrath of a famous pop punk band.

A small fishing boat came into their view and a man, dressed in a captain's uniform shouted, "You two, we've been looking everywhere for you."

Pintel and Ragetti looked closer at the man. It was Captain Picard. "Captain!" they both screamed.

Throwing a rope to the two pirates, Captain Picard said, "When we get home, there's a new Enterprise waiting for us."

"Yeh," the two pirates shouted, happy as ever to hear the words 'Enter' and 'Prise' again (no one told them it was only one word). When they climbed on board, the captain looked to the seas and the potential discomforts that would be brought forth in the small fishing trawler.

"Worf, set a course for the Alpha Quadrant, we're going home!"

"Yes captain," Worf said, pressing a button underneath the steering wheel. The small boat's speed increased dramatically. Then Worf added, "I am engaging the Flux Capacitor."

A loud crack filled the air and the boat disappeared from sight, leaving a single line of fire on top of the water in the boat's wake. It was going back to the future, or something like it.

No pedosaurs were harmed in the making of this fic, at least, as far as Jack Sparrow knows.


End file.
